The Myth of the Cave?

Why do scholarship awarders decide the winners based on essays? What if one is deserving of the scholarship but just cannot express it beautifully in words? Is that it? They just lose to others because of that? I just finished the first of my three essays that I have to write for my scholarship application and I just couldn't help asking those questions as I write my essay. The first essay topic is the typical "Write your academic and intellectual goals and interests". How I wish I can just scribble there "I donno" instead of twisting it around and carefully expounding how I am exploring the different fields, thus I am uncertain but I have shortlisted the fields. LOL. Two more to go and whoopeee I am done.

As for my day, I woke up this morning feeling rather unhappy and tired. It just seemed like it was just one of those bad days. But then again, we always have a choice. JS sent me a very empowering powerpoint slides show which I open every time when I am down to remind me that in every single circumstance, after we remove all the junk surrounding it, we have two choices, to choose to live our lives happily or to live our lives miserably. Although I was not too motivated by it this morning, at least it lifted me up a little. When I walked to class, I looked up at the sky, sighed, and just wished that the weather would be warmer. Then, I remembered the powerpoint slides and I thought "There will always be something to complain about no matter what condition I am in". It also hit me that people who are never exposed to somewhere better will not complain how bad their place is. That reminded me of Plato's "Myth of the Cave". It seems clear now that the reason I couldn't stand the cold was because I was attached to warm and nice weather. If I could just accept the weather as it is, things would certainly be different. And of course, we always have a choice - to enjoy the weather or to let it wear you down. That put a smile on my face and I felt grateful that it was sunny although it was cold. =)

"Minnesota Cold"

The term "Minnesota Cold" is really coming alive and right at my face now, and I mean this literally. Yes we have "Minnesota, 10,000 lakes", Minnesota Nice" but unfortunately we also have "Minnesota Cold" here. It was -26 degrees Celsius this morning before I went out and it is now -20. The wind chill factor worsens it a lot too. As I was running late for class, I ran to class and I could feel the strong and cold win blowing at my face. I seriously thought I was going to lose my facial skin. The only comfort I got was seeing others suffer the same way too. LOL. I felt much relief when I looked at others and their faces were still intact even though they were exposed to the cold. Childish, but true. Although this place is a beautiful place, the cold can be torturing sometimes. The worst thing is, well, according to the locals, it usually lasts till April. =(

Oh well, that's about the weather. Today passed quite fast. I was glad I attended the resume and cover letter workshop on time. I nearly missed it because of my Psych Measurement and Data Analysis lab. We all had difficulty understanding what the TA was talking about. I felt sorry for him. He is Korean and he seemed to have difficulty conversing in English. I suppose I'll be more punctual and sit in front so that I can pay more attention to what he says.

I feel like I've been releasing a lot of negative chi lately. It's time to center myself with a little gratitude and visualization list.

Gratitude:
1. Thank goodness today was a sunny day. It could have been a dark, gloomy, and cold day.
2. It's good that I've completed 95% of my to-do for today
3. My professor agreed to write me a recommendation letter for my scholarship application
4. I learned tips for writing resume and cover letter
5. I met and talked to new friends today
6. I learned that I can juggle many tasks in a day
7. Thank God I'm Alive! YAY

Visualization List:
1. Visualize accomplishment of Spring '08 resolution
2. Visualize getting UROP for Summer/Fall '08
3. Visualize receiving highly paid internship for Summer
4. Visualize studying abroad in Austria with full scholarship
5. Visualize winning many scholarships
6. Visualize "paradising" in Paris
7. Visualize my US$ 1 million

Ahhh....Gute Nacht!

The Body, the MiND, and the Spirit

First, I aligned my shoulders, sternum and lower body to create a centered posture. A soft rush of air from the breath I took then released the tensions in my muscles generated from the ongoing pressures of life. As I proceed with the tiger, the cat, the caterpillar, and the cobra positions, my muscles stretched painlessly as I learned to control my breathing, allowing the rhythm of my breathing to follow my movements. I was doing yoga! Lol.

It was indeed very relaxing and what was intriguing was the fact that it has so many elements of meditation in it. We were instructed to pay attention to our breathing and if our mind wondered off, we should bring the attention back to the breathing and bodily sensations. We were asked to just be aware of any neck pains but not to feel immediately agitated by it. We should just watch the pain and be conscious about it.

It's been a long time since I meditated. Meditation helps me focus better and slowly frees my consciousness. I was astonished by how mindful and gentle the instructor was in talking to people especially when I talked to her individually after the class.

This reminded me of the importance of meditation or something similar to that. I must continue to practice that. Go yoga!

Jobs, Interns...bluekk...=P

Dilemma: SUMMER INTERN NEEDED!!!!

I was struck with this problem since I decided I wanted to get an internship last semester. However, the problem has improved in the sense that from don't have any jobs on the list to a couple of jobs on the platter but now I don't know which one to apply for.

I was wavering between applying the summer research program for undergraduates program in Yale's (unpaid and in the same boring Cognitive and/or Developmental Psychology) or applying for summer UROP (which should be interesting, and I get paid though not so much) with the former adviser of the PhD guy in Educational Psychology that I met at the EEG training. Hmmm....???? Or to work as a teaching intern in a school with a special summer program in which I would make more money but the experience is not going to look as nice as a research on my transcript which I would like to submit for grad school application. *Sighs*. Now it is clear. The ultimate question boils down to Interest/Experience or Money?

I tried asking my Counseling Psychology lecturer whether she has any recommendations for internship relating to counselling psychology which is not research based but all she suggested was for me to take the PSY3996-Directed Studies/Internship class and they will give me a list of places. Little does she knows that I already got the list from my adviser but the list is pretty stupid with only company names with one or two lines of description for each. The websites aren't listed, and no further information such as paid/not paid is listed. Not very helpful. But, on the bright side, at least the lecturer said she would mail me a list if she found some suitable ones she could think of. I also asked another friend of mine who is taking that class now how she found the intern. She said through a guest speaker who came to talk in her I/O class and she advised that the best way is through personal connections.

My dad suggested I contact the PhD fellow that I met as it is easiest and best to get a job through connections. Two of the same advice in a day. Ooh, it must be a sign. LOL. I guess they are probably right. I'll just e-mail the man tomorrow to talk about this. As for off-campus /real practical job experience, I think I'll volunteer for 2-3 hours a week in a place (yet to find) as the best psychology work experience is from voluntary jobs =(. Oh well, too bad but life goes on.

Life lesson: Let it go....

Today was another unproductive day. =( I woke up late and I did not complete my homework and all the other "to-dos" I assigned myself to do. I went to gym with a couple of friends at 3pm and we had dinner right after that till 6. Then I had to go to one of my friend's place to carry some stuffs to another friend's place. Long story short, by the time I got back home, it was already 8pm. There goes my day. I felt disappointed with myself.

Nevertheless, on my way back to my dorm from my friend's place, I had some time to contemplate. It hit me that I had a choice to either brood about this and be miserable or to see it objectively, forget about the time wasted, but instead focus on what I can do next. Just let it go, don't think so much, and move on.

It just dawned on me how big this little concept can be. From something small to something big, letting go is a very important step in liberating oneself from pain and suffering. Whether it is forgiveness, or detachment from lost materials, or just the acceptance that things change, they all center around the concept of letting go.

So, I guess it's not so bad even though I didn't utilized my time properly this past few days. At least I learned a valuable lesson, that is to let my attachment go and be free! Of course at the same time I learned some lessons about self-discipline and proper time management. =P

The EyE of the storm

In the middle of the storm, there is calmness. In the middle of the group of Newbies, there are the calm "Oldbies".

It was very funny this evening when I went out for dinner with a group of new Malaysian students, some other "old" Malaysians and one of the newbies' American friend. The newbies were crazy and high. OMG, it was as if they were possessed or something. I was on the verge of feeling "paiseh" with them. LOL... I haven't experienced that wildness since I first came here. Keith and I felt very old and mature when we looked at them. Haha...It was nice meeting them.

I feel very tired today. My energy has been decreasing for the past few days. It must be the lack of sleep and the burning of midnight oil. It's time for me to face it. I'm an early bird and I should embrace that fact and forget about trying to stay up late.

I don't know whether I am right or not but I think the exhaustion is affecting my emotions and thinking. I feel a little low and I don't have any mood to socialize. I keep thinking of the word depression. I just feel like locking myself up in my room and get all my scholarship, internship, voluntary job, welcome week leadership, and international leadership retreat applications done. I haven't done any yet and the deadlines are coming up. I want to finish my math review too but I'm too tired to stay focus. I also kept thinking about blogging. It's so addictive.

I think it's best for me to just stop here and go to bed. I am counting on tomorrow to get my work done. Tomorrow will be a productive day! I can do it!

A REMINDER...

It's nice that I get to enjoy all the wonderful experiences here
It's also nice to indulge myself in fun while at work
It's also nice to focus on myself, think of myself, be myself, and grow personally while I am here
It's also nice to spend the money I have on "discounted" things with the money I was given
It's also nice to be able to study and enjoy the facilities at one of US's and world's best universities

But it is important to be reminded that:
I am none but a few who are able to go to universities
I am none but a few who are lucky to study abroad
My teachers, friends, and family are the ones who guided and motivated me
My parents are working hard for me to achieve my dreams
My parents are entrusting me with their effort

Despite the shower of depression after being reminded, it is fine to bring ourselves into our state of consciousness in order to not divert too far from our main purpose here and to appreciate as well as be grateful to those who have brought us to where we are today. It's important to think about ourselves, but we must never forget others especially those who sacrificed for you. As we travel on our life journeys, it is always great to travel on a journey with PRESENCE!

-that's what I have learned from a good friend of mine today-

My first Journal Club Meeting

Today, the highlight of my day was the journal club meeting. This semester, I am working as a research assistant in the Translational Research in Cognitive and Affective Mechanism (TRiCAM) lab under the UROP (Undergraduate Research Opportunities Program) with Dr Angus MacDonald as my faculty mentor. So, part of what he has for this lab are lab meetings and journal club meetings for the researchers working under him namely graduate students doing their research internships and senior students doing their honor thesis. Thus, when I went for the meeting, I was fairly intimidated to have found that out.

We started off by having them introducing themselves to me as I missed the first meeting. All of them talk about their background and their studies which were full of technical psychological terms that I barely remember any. When I was to introduced myself as Sylvia, a Sophomore doing UROP program, I felt small yet there was a sense of pride and gratitude for being able to work with these people. What was weird was I felt like noting my feelings at that point. I was enjoying the sensations I felt at that moment.

So, for this semester we are going to read about the Foundations of the Science of Schizophrenia. Thus, we started with Kraepelin. Before this meeting we were emailed a 76-page chapter from Kraepelin's Dementia Praecox, the name Kraepelin used before the term Schizophrenia came about. I thought the reading was fairly interesting but not so much as I did not notice the significance of the rudimentary descriptions to today's diagnosis of Schizophrenia. The prof. brought up interesting points from the text and I was awed at how sharp these people are in critiquing the paper. I guess I will now learn to spot anything I find funny in articles and try questioning them and bringing them up in discussions instead of just reading and accepting them for how they are.

I can't believe I did not notice the prevalence of Catatonic subtype in Kraepelin's writings and that it has decreased over years. The other members also brought up how Kraepelin describes the situation in such elaborate manner in which is similar to the descriptions we have for Schizophrenics today. As he focused mainly on mental deterioration, he brought a lot of his contemporaries' researches into his writings too, namely Alzheimer's findings about the profound changes in the cortical neurones of catatonic patients. I was also impressed by patient's hypersuggestibility of just sticking their tongue out without hesitance when one ordered them to even when they were threatened to be poked with needles. Eeeeeyerrr....

I really like this whole journal club notion. According to the professor, the reasons we study past researchers and their research is to first get a sense of what the disorder looked like to them in the past in order to allow us to see what they were seeing. Second, we get to see whether there are actual changes; in this case, the decrease in catatonia. Third, we get to learn from their theories and people's rediscoveries. It is amazing how a man who wrote this book at the time of Freud was disregarded until 100 years later when his theory suddenly resurrected from the dead. Last but most importantly, we learn humility, a powerful scientific tool that will carry us forward by learning to put on others' hats and learn from them.

It was a great learning experience I had today. I also get a sense of what CSIA (Center for the Study of Impulsivity in Addiction) battery is going to consist of. That's the battery I have proposed to work on for my UROP. But before that, I am to gain as much lab experiences as possible....which means data entry, test administering, and data analysis...XD..Boring...but rewarding.

Oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm in Minnesota!!

I still can't get over that thought even till this very day. From the anxiety of not getting a visa, to the nerves of not landing at the airport, to the worries of not adapting well, I've sure come a long way. I am so glad that I finally managed to pull my muscles together to sit in front of my lap top and write the experiences I've gone through for the past four months. To my friends whom I said I would blog once I got to the states, I apologize for not keeping my words. Voila! Zis is ze blog of Sylvia Sng (syok sendiri pula..).

The journey from KLIA to Minneapolis-St Paul Airport wasn't that bad, considering it was a 24 hour trip - 4 hours to Taipei, 12 hours to LAX, 4 hours to Minneapolis, and 4 hours of transit waiting. Guess what, I survived without puking and without anti-puke medicine. I'm so proud of myself. Don't take it wrong, I don't mean to brag, but I seldom survive long-distance flights without puking.

Ok, let's get back to Minnesota. Minnesota, 10,000 lakes as it is nicknamed, is really beautiful. Minneapolis, a unique amalgamation of urban and nature is mesmerizing even from the air. I could see lakes and trees all over the metropolitan. It was just breathtaking. Even in the plane itself, I was certain, I made the perfect choice to come to study in the University of Minnesota.

When we landed, Tom Iverson, a volunteer for the International Students Friendship Ministry (ISF) fetched Azlin (a returning student of the U of M), Yi Cheng a.k.a. Keith (my compatriot from INTI and the co-pioneer to the U of M from INTI), and I (the other co-pioneer =D) from the airport and sent us to University Village, the place Keith and I crashed in for a couple of days before we moved in to our new places. Mr. Iverson was a hillarious man. He was very friendly but he kept making wrong turns. Azlin and I gave each other the understandable look of worry. We wondered, "Does that man know where he is actually going?" Nevertheless, we were very grateful that he sacrificed his early morning to pick us up. Speaking of gratitude, I am very grateful to the Malaysians who helped Keith and I before and when we got to Minneapolis namely Azlin, Mush, Simon, Naim, Rosh, Ahjen, Azwan, Raihan, Azam, and Izzat. They were really helpful. A special thanks to Kak Azlin for taking care of me, showing me around, and helping me throughout my period of adjustment; to Simon, who gave advice on what and what not to do as well as the ways to maximize our university experience, and to Ueng "Koko" for his great experience sharing and constant advising that helped me a lot especially when I was in great distraught. I would also like to thank the ISF members and Mr. Liew, former counsellor of INTI who is now here in Minneapolis too who offer endless help to Keith and I. I am trully grateful to all of you.

The first day here was of course filled with excitement and disbelief that I was in the states. But as soon as I called home, I felt like I was jabbed with a spear. I felt homesick. I could still hold back my tears while on the phone but when night fell, it was horrible. Tears just streamed out of my eyes and I just stared at the ceiling, feeling empty and missing home. I got up early that morning looking horrible as my face was red and my eyes were swollen. Azlin was concerned of course given the fact that I looked conspicuously hideous but I knew that adjustment takes time and there was a whole new experience ahead of me.

Things were great after that. I was totally enthralled by the whole American experience. In my first week, there was a workers' strike for higher pay to meet the rising interest rate and there were also bomb threats. It's amazing, isn't it? It was so interesting. LOL. I think the biggest challenge I faced was to balance work and play. I had too much fun in Minneapolis that I neglected my studies. I joined a lot of student groups such as ISF, International Friendship Group Program (IFGP), and the Cross-Cultural Discussion Group and I participated in a lot of their events and outings. On top of that, my friends always asked me out to have fun and explore the city. It was tough to say no. I got so caught up with having fun that I did not realize how important it was to put studies first. I wanted to do so many things that I forgot I actually have three or more years here to have fun.

Then came my first Abnormal Psychology test result. A big fat C! ARGH!!!!! My first C since I started college. A 74% is a C. I was thrown off my seat. As expected, I broke down. In addition to that, I was already confused and unsure about my major due to several reasons. I even went to see a counselor for my very first time regarding my major. So I cried to my parents and Jin Sheng and fell into depression for a couple of days before I got back to my feet. I was stressed from performing below the expectation I had for myself. I was overwhelmed by the assertiveness of Americans in class participation, and I was all puzzled about my major. It was all for a simple reason: I had too much fun! What an irony! I got stressed from having too much fun.

I expected studying in America would be easy as people always say Americans aren't that smart, and so I took it easy and wondered why I was not performing very well. Gee, that was very smart of me. By the way, that notion of Americans are dumb and ignorant is not true. I stayed with Americans and they are culturally informed and hardworking. I also did not like the two psychology courses I was taking (Cognitive and Abnormal Psychology) as they were very technical. I forgot the reason I wanted to study Psychology and nearly quit when I stumbled upon a brick wall. How could I? Well, I learned my lesson.

Another one of the other challenges I faced was applying for the Undergraduate Research Opportunities Program. It was tough having to find the faculty mentor and write a research proposal, but hard work pays off. I got into the program and I'll get $11.50 an hour working with the professor and gaining invaluable experience in my Spring semester! Yay!

I also worked as a student attendant in the dining hall. It was fun on the first day frying eggs and making smoothies. But after awhile, I got bored and tired considering the fact that I got the 6.45 am shift on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and the dining hall that I could find suitable shifts was on the West Bank, across the Mississippi River. "Sigh". I quit after a month. I could not take it anymore. It was too tiring for me. Nevertheless, I had quite a few intriguing experiences from the job. After the second day of work, the university sent emails to us announcing that there was a robbery off campus near the place I worked so I was scared and called the security escort service, which serves students from 7pm to 7am, to walk me there. Because my escort was going to be late in submitting his report, he decided to drive me to work instead. Lucky me. The second time I called, they couldn't get me an officer so they sent a police officer to fetch me instead. I rode on a police car for the first time in my life. It was cool but creepy at the same time as I had to sit on the back plastic seats for criminals. I was "locked" behind the bars that separated the back and front seats. HAHA.... It happened again for the next two times. After that, my officer stood up on me. That got me so upset and caused me to be late for work. I called the escort service and inquired about the lateness a couple of times, but all the lady on the phone said was, "He will get there when he gets there." I was upset so I called another time and just canceled it. I was already late. I did not use the escort again for a couple of times until it rained heavily one morning. Hehe...

Despite the challenges, as you know, I had lots of fun too and learned life lessons at the same time. Go to my facebook for pictures to tell the story. I'm too lazy to slowly upload them here.

There are lots of things I would like to share in this blog but if I do so I will not have time to write about the daily things I've gone through. So, I'll stop here for my intro and proceed with actual daily blogging.