My family and I went to Kapit for the past few days to visit relatives and visit my grandma’s grave. It has been 5 years since I last went there and so we thought I should visit my dad’s hometown. From Kuching to Sibu, my dad, bro and I took the helicopter while my mum and sis followed my aunt and uncle in their car. It wasn’t my first time on the helicopter but it was my first time traveling from one city to another on one. It was fun. It was scary though with the thought that we were only buckled with waist seatbelts and we were sitting next to the doors. The view was great; it was so green. Looking down at the lust and dense rainforest, I wondered how one would be able to get out if one got lost in there. I started figuring out escape plans – checking out which direction I should head to in case we were stuck in the forest. Hilariously, when I talked to my brother about it, he said he was thinking the exact same thing. LOL.
When we arrived in Sibu, we took the express boat along the Rajang River to Kapit. Kapit downtown looked a lot more developed to me, with more buildings that were constructed. However, it still smelled and looked as dirty as before. Litter was everywhere and the roadside reeked of sourly stench which resulted from the litter. All of a sudden I became overly wary of hygiene. I went into my uncle’s coffee shop and I was appalled when I saw the toilet as the door was open. We went upstairs to the house to drop our luggage into my grandpa’s room where we would be staying and saw how dirty the toilet and the sink was. Ants were crawling all over the wall and dressing table. There was no toilet seat and it couldn’t flush properly. OMG. I am such a city person. And here I thought I had grown tough after being abroad (probably tougher in some areas and more spoilt in others). Of course, the toilet and shower in my aunt’s and uncle’s master bedroom worked perfectly but I didn’t get to use it till the last day.
Once we dropped our things, my aunt and uncle brought us to meet with some other relatives in their convenient store and brought us to have mid-afternoon snack. Everyone spoke so loudly and enthusiastically about things, sometimes it seemed like they were arguing. I was so soft-spoken and lady like there. Nice change. They had a different Hokkien accent there and so pure, almost uninfluenced by English. Sometimes I had difficulty understanding them. I did my best to speak Hokkien without using any English terms. The Chinese there also speak Iban, since Kapit is primarily settled by the Ibans.
I ate and ate so much in Kapit. There wasn’t much to do there but eat. My pants are so tight now. My mum is happy but I’m not. All the hard work to burn the fat has gone to waste. Sad. My dad brought us around in my uncle’s car and I was awed by the extreme greenery. Wow, this place is so untouched by mankind. My mum and sis arrived in Kapit the next day and we visited my dad’s sis in her home and helped her make kaya (coconut egg jam) and cake. Well, my sister did most of the job while I used the internet and watched TV. In the afternoon, my cousin took me on a motorcycle ride around the area. Only then, I got to fully appreciate Kapit’s beauty. The fresh air, the greens...it was great. I didn’t get to fully appreciate the beauty while being enclosed in the car.
The next day, we went to visit my grandma at her grave. I was not here for her funeral as I was still in the US. I was not very close to my grandma as some of my cousins are so I was not very sad when she passed away. However, when I saw her grave and when my mum asked me to say something and pray for my grandma, I started crying. My sister teared a bit too. My grandma is gone and seeing her grave was a blow of reality in my face and that brought tears to my eyes. We went into the car and I calmed down. My family didn’t speak a word about it. May my grandma rest in peace.
More readjustment problems arose when I told my dad one morning about my dilemma about moving to Boston. We ended up arguing and he yelled at me for not listening to his suggestions. Him asking if I was listening to myself talk was all it took to shut me up. My pride and ego were bashed and I was upset. I did my best to breathe in and out and reflect on the problem. I tried to stay as calm and collected as possible. The feeling of inadequacy arose. I felt like I was back to being the old me – being all defensive when people try to make fun or question the areas in my life that I am struggling with (e.g. driving), behaving all princessy (too wary of cleanliness and hygiene), eating slower than others and being pressured to eat faster. My self-esteem was somewhat hurt. I thought I grew beyond that – having gone overseas, living independently, dealing with problems calmly and reasonably – and bang! It hit me that success and accomplishments in certain areas of my life do not make everything else better. I learned to be more compassionate and dealt problems a lot better with others but not with my own parents. Curses! I gained a lot of confidence after being abroad as my accomplishments there were acknowledged by many and I was almost never criticized for my weaknesses while I was there. Being back here, everything just switched around. Also, in America, by American standard, I’m pretty adventurous, tough, not picky etc. That boosted my confidence. I forgot that I performed below Malaysian standard in that area.
Nevertheless, I am grateful for my awareness and for the ability to write and reflect. It’s my coping strategy here. I guess that’s the best I can do – just being aware of my feelings, accepting them as they are, taking the experience as a learning experience, being grateful for the experience, and working on areas that I can work on.
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