I've always thought and mentioned that being in the states has changed my life in many ways especially in increasing my self-confidence and security. At times, this statement is questioned - when I regressed back to my old, self-depreciated self. When this happens, it scares me and sends me to a state of uncertainty and ambiguity. I thought I am different. I thought the small daily problems are merely daily hindrances that I am be able to overcome without a drop of sweat. Who knew a "changed" person can regress back to the older self.
I haven't felt that upbeat lately; actually since summer started but there have been a lot of ups too in this moderate down. I was always excited to meet new friends from all over the world and felt the joy of breaking free from any attachments to a particular group of friends. But at times, I did feel the emptiness and the deprivation of close-knit friendships. Most of the times, I managed to justify that as an "either or" path and there are trade-offs in my choices.
Lately, in the summer, I have been hanging out with my fellow compatriots from home a lot and a lot of things were going on in my head: questionings, dissatisfactions, expectations, insecurity, envy, jealousy, and discontentment. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, wishing I was somewhere else. Sometimes I couldn't even explain why. It just seemed like I was on top of the world at one moment and in a blink of an eye, I got sent back into an old, familiar drama. Then, I recognized some of the old me that I thought has disappeared and has been replaced by a new, seasoned me. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that there is anything wrong with my friends, but I'm just expressing the discomfort and the educational experience that I gained from it - pleasant or unpleasant. It just feels odd at times, like the foundation of my life gets shaken.
Based on the reflection model I've learned from my leadership class, that part of my reflection was "What". The next step.."So What?" How should I approach this and solve this problem. Well, I guess this is the time to put what I've learned from the Cross Cultural Leadership Retreat in practice...to embrace the ambiguity, remain still and conscious and just take one simple step at a time regarding my actions - not to think so much and just act accordingly.
5 things that I am grateful for:
1. Spent happy quality time with family on skype
2. Being treated very well by friends around me
3. Received an insight and lesson from the experience above
4. Read quite a lot of pages in "Atlas Shrugged"
5. I'm alive!
4 comments:
As I read this post again, I realized the only problem was me letting go of the upbeat feeling I used to have.
Hey Sylvia,
What you posted was somewhat similar to my experience. But mine is in terms of personality. When I'm with a enthusiastic, outgoing group of people, I'll also be enthusiastic and cheerful. But if I'm alone during class, I'll be the quiet introvert person. and different when I'm with my family. So there is a personality change and its difficult to determine which is the "real" me. I'm happy in all these "facades", then who am I?
But you use the word "regressed". Is you "old self" really bad? Similar to civilization, I don't find that there's progress or regress in personalities but just shifts. Each has their own good/bad, pro/con. Singapore is no better than Sarawak, just that they have their own good good points. Being an introvert is as good as being an extrovert. At times we should also be selfish, but just that we shouldn't go overboard.
This is what I think about this matter. I don't have any conclusions, but just some points to ponder, or even better, stimulate discourse, lol. Sorry if I have gone off tangent and misunderstood what you meant. Enlighten me if I'm wrong.
anurad.
hi sylvia, jawing here ;-) i just discovered your blog ;-)
wel, about this uncertainty that you are feeling, let me just assure u that u are not the only one. i get the same feeling too. i guess this is all our process of learning...in discovering wisdom....
Wow, thanks guys for your comments. I love you all. =D. Btw, Anurad, Jawing, how have you been? Long time no hear or see!
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