Regression

I've always thought and mentioned that being in the states has changed my life in many ways especially in increasing my self-confidence and security. At times, this statement is questioned - when I regressed back to my old, self-depreciated self. When this happens, it scares me and sends me to a state of uncertainty and ambiguity. I thought I am different. I thought the small daily problems are merely daily hindrances that I am be able to overcome without a drop of sweat. Who knew a "changed" person can regress back to the older self.

I haven't felt that upbeat lately; actually since summer started but there have been a lot of ups too in this moderate down. I was always excited to meet new friends from all over the world and felt the joy of breaking free from any attachments to a particular group of friends. But at times, I did feel the emptiness and the deprivation of close-knit friendships. Most of the times, I managed to justify that as an "either or" path and there are trade-offs in my choices.

Lately, in the summer, I have been hanging out with my fellow compatriots from home a lot and a lot of things were going on in my head: questionings, dissatisfactions, expectations, insecurity, envy, jealousy, and discontentment. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, wishing I was somewhere else. Sometimes I couldn't even explain why. It just seemed like I was on top of the world at one moment and in a blink of an eye, I got sent back into an old, familiar drama. Then, I recognized some of the old me that I thought has disappeared and has been replaced by a new, seasoned me. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that there is anything wrong with my friends, but I'm just expressing the discomfort and the educational experience that I gained from it - pleasant or unpleasant. It just feels odd at times, like the foundation of my life gets shaken.

Based on the reflection model I've learned from my leadership class, that part of my reflection was "What". The next step.."So What?" How should I approach this and solve this problem. Well, I guess this is the time to put what I've learned from the Cross Cultural Leadership Retreat in practice...to embrace the ambiguity, remain still and conscious and just take one simple step at a time regarding my actions - not to think so much and just act accordingly.

5 things that I am grateful for:
1. Spent happy quality time with family on skype
2. Being treated very well by friends around me
3. Received an insight and lesson from the experience above
4. Read quite a lot of pages in "Atlas Shrugged"
5. I'm alive!

Epiphany? I don't remember!

I went to see my lecturer today to discuss my lab assignments and to ask him questions on things that he had taught in class but I received more than what I have bargained for. After giving me helpful advice on how to improve my paper and good tips to understand a confusing concept better, he started giving more advice on what one has to put in to be successful in what one does - get out there and do more than what is required eg. read outside materials, work on a research with other professors, and basically just keep challenging yourself to improve yourself. He continued sharing his experience being in schools with varying standards and coming up to a conclusion that there are smart people everywhere whether it's in a small community college, the U of M, or Stanford. The only difference is the frequency. His characterizes smart or beyond average people as those who would go all out utilizing the opportunities and read beyond what's assigned to us. He also said even though he knows that it's kinda hard to do outside reading etc, it's part of the challenge to make time for it. That shows how passionate we are about something and that's always good.

When he started giving his advice, I could feel my eyes sparkled; I felt like I had an epiphany - things to write in this blog - but at the end of his speech, I forgot what I was going to write. I started to wonder what is it that he said that I found so awe-inspiring. LOL. I couldn't remember. But the gist of his message stuck with me. What a blessing it is for me to have a good lecturer this summer.

5 things I am grateful for:
1. I am grateful that I went to see my lecturer
2. I am grateful that he shared with me his wisdom and advice
3. I am grateful that it is a beautiful day today - a little hot but not too hot
4. I am grateful that I got some studying done before my quiz tomorrow
5. Everyone around me seems happy today!

Have a pleasant day everyone!

CRACKed

"Two years will pass soon enough" was what I said to Flo when she told me reacted slightly surprised when I told her I was going back to M'sia in 2010. Giving it a thought, it is only two years. In a blink of an eye, a year has gone by. This time last year, I was preparing to take my final exams in INTI for the last time and fearing of the unknown (journey to the US). It's amazing how we just make plans and trust that everything is going to turn out as plan or to back it up with some other plans and everything just seems to turn out okay no matter how things are. Life just unfolds as the current of time carries you with it.

When I was wiping tables at work this afternoon, a cheerful man walked into the lunchroom, smiled and said hi to me. As my glasses were falling, I pushed it up with my gloved hand that was holding the wiping towel while I said hi. He then looked at me and said, "Oh, you look like you're sniffing the thing like you're sniffing glue or sth" and laughed. I found it hilarious so I laughed with him. Then I explained to him what I was doing and he said, "Oh, you look like you were sniffing it and going all high with it. " I laughed and said, "No, no.." He then said, "It's okay, you're a college student. You're expected to do that anyway." And he burst out laughing. Omg, that made my day. We then introduced ourselves. Apparently, he's incharge of students' insurance so he knows a lot of M'sians here and he handles request from Petronas in terms of handling the batch of Petronas scholars.

When I went back to the breakroom and sat in front of the computer to do some work, I noticed how the cheerfulness in me began to wane, gradually but noticeable. It's just amazing how transient my emotional states can be. I don't know what to comment about it but to just say that it's interesting that I was able to note that. Maybe as I get better at that, I might be able to catch the set point of the mood change and make conscious choices on my attitude.

5 things I am grateful for pertaining Sunday:
1. The weather was awesome - cloudy weather during the day, and rainy at night.
2. It only rained after my roommate and I got back from basketball.
3. I had a great time with my friends while at basketball.
4. I feel relieved after reorganizing some of my stuffs.
5. Everyone around me seem to be in a good mood, making me happy.

5 things I am grateful for today:
1. The heritage committee like my work and complimented me on that.
2. I spent 4 hours in the nursing building today = more money! =)
3. I finally sent in my application for the study abroad program in Barcelona
4. I met so many people, strangers and friends who made me laughed
5. I did well in my Lab 3. =)

Have a pleasant day everyone!

Pleasant Sunday

Mmm..yummy!

What a pleasant and relaxing day it is today! I just woke up and the first to-do was to cook for the next four days. LOL! It's hard to believe but I actually enjoy cooking. Chopping the vegetables, meat, experimenting different methods of cooking, watching my roommate cook, and cleaning were fun. While engaged in the activity, I just forgot about time and the other work that I have to do; I merely do what I was doing in the present. It just goes back to being in the now and the power that lies in the present moment.

Later that day, I spent my time surfing the net and studying in the library with my roommate. I got a lot of studying done and I'm glad about it. When we were done, we went jogging and that was at 8pm. By the time it got back, it was dark. Jogging made me feel fat because I had to stop after running for ten minutes and had to walk the way back. *Sigh* Nevertheless, I'm just happy I got to run after weeks of sedentariness. My goal of getting a well-toned body would have to wait (It's for the greater good) as I got placed into the control instead of the exercise group in the WISER study (a research on the effect of exercise on the prevention of breast cancer). Hence, I cannot exercise more than 2-3 times a week. If I have gotten into the exercise group, I would have to exercise 5 times a week, 45 minutes a day with a trainer. So Cool! Oh well, random assignment has got me into the control group. Tough luck. Being able to exercise 2-3 times a week is not too bad but that would be left to my own motivation. I suppose being in the control group is better for me since my fall schedule is jammed packed.

Author Sarah Breathnach of "Simple Abundance" talked about how important and life-enriching it is to just write down 5 things that we are grateful for every day. And from my past experiences on blogging about life lessons and things that I am grateful for, I noticed that I became more observant and aware of the things around me, to think about what to write in my blog. Thus, the suggested process really aids to development of consciousness. So from today onwards, I'm gonna end my blog post with 5 things that I am grateful for.

1. I appreciate that Raihan bought Yi Wen and I apple pies from BK
2. I am grateful that I managed to finish reading my notes
3. I am grateful that I got to cook and bake cookies with a good cook, my roomie (fortunate to room with sb who can cook well)
4. Today is a peaceful day with very little disturbance
5. I got to talk to my parents and bf on the phone =)

Girls' Night!

My roomie and I just got back from an all-girls' night and we had a ton of fun. It was with three other M'sian girls and 3 Americans from the International Students Outreach. Other than skip-Bo and pictionary, we exchanged meaningful and informative conversations that I found interesting.

One of them was a law student and she got selected to be a jury in a criminal case that she is not allowed to share with us. She explained the judiciary system and how she has to be on call for two weeks. She is really tired because of it. It was a once in a life time experience for her though.

Other than the all-girls' night, I have started reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. What a thick book! 1067 pages, small print. I hope a month is sufficient for me to finish it as I'd like to write a scholarship essay on it. Wish me luck!

Lessons from the Little Ones...

One of the things that I planned to do for this summer was to volunteer in a non-profit organization to get a volunteer experience. For the past 18 years in M'sia, I've never done any volunteering. I thought since there is the opportunity and convenience in the U of M with its Community and Service Learning Center to help us decide where we would like to volunteer and the processes involved, I should give it a shot.

So, here I am, volunteering in a school for children with special and typical needs - Fraser School. All sorts of services like occupational, physical, and music therapies are available for the children who need extra help. The school is an all inclusive environment in which it caters to the need of all children. As for children with typical needs, being there in the school exposes them to the people's differences and allows them to learn compassion and understanding as well as respect towards others.

As I enter the Hummingbird room (each classroom has a name) every Friday, I feel the presence of joy that overflows the young ones. The curious little ones, eager to learn and play, unstymied by daily worries. The smiles and innocence or unadulterance in my small friends almost never seize to make me tear a little. That keeps me motivated to travel 2 hours back and forth every Friday to play with them.

Sometimes, I feel like I am entering the Twilight zone (the tune's playing in my head now). It is definitely a cultural exchange, in the sense that they are kids and it's a challenge to understand them and talk to them. In addition, the toddlers are smart, verbally competent; the reason being that adults around them speak to them like adults and they don't limit their vocabulary and slow down in their speech for the little ones. This is so different from how it is in M'sia. "Goo goo, gaga..." Haha...adults trying to speak on the kids' level with the thought that if they slow down for them, the kids would learn better. Little do they know that the opposite reigns true. LOL.

It's very fun to play with the kids and participate in their fun activities such as making play dough, jell-Os, and monster toasts, reading story books, and just playing with the toys. =D

There are challenges though. At some points when the small buddies needed adult help or when they cry, I didn't know what to do. I just did what I think is right or I just ask for the teachers' help. The teachers are wonderful. They just seem to know what to do.

Working in Fraser not only allows me to experience working in a non-profit organization, it gives me a greater perspective of childhood education and of life itself. Fraser has the philosophy of using positive statements in educating the children and the institution believes that by telling the children not to do an action, they would not stop as they do not know what to do if they don't do that. An alternative instruction should be given. I've always known that but I've always thought that the application was difficult. How do we not ask the children to not jump around or not to push someone or not to talk when the teachers are talking? Well, at Fraser, it's "bottoms on the floor" or "keep your hands to yourself" or "calm your bodies" or "bubbles in your mouths". What a lesson to learn! Besides that, working there gives me a greater sense of appreciation for my parents. Intellectually I know that it is difficult for parents to raise children but I did not really grasp that until I have first hand experience with children myself. Thanks Mum and Dad.

Basically, it's just remarkably fun there and I hope to make the best out of my time at Fraser School!