Better with perception shift? or better with time?

Things seem to be getting better. I feel good after work today even though it was as challenging as any other day in terms of the students' problem behaviors. I feel like I am managing them and their behaviors with more confidence and neutrality even though I was still very tensed.

I had to drive the van today and I felt nervous especially when I had to lead during the transition back to the residence from the school. I couldn't find the hazard light for when I pulled over to wait for the second van.

Anyways, I met with a senior student from India that HR set up for me to meet with as someone who might be able to help me with my adjustments here as an international student and employee. It was a pleasant meet up; she talked about her experience when she first got here. They placed her in the staff intensive unit and there were many times that she felt like she was going to be fired too. She explained that it is very intense to work here but we get a great opportunity to see how research directly translates to clinical practice and across different age groups and autism severity. She said her view on autism was limited to cute kids but working here has broadened her views. She gave me tips on how I can increase my chance of getting into the day school, preschool, or home-based program next year which includes volunteering to be a back up case manager, getting more involved in the projects in preschool etc.

I'm grateful for the meeting with her. Another good news - my day coordinator told me she is setting me up with a co-worker who has a research role in the team to get me involved in the research project in the team. Yes!

A "Strange" Connection

It was the switch of the hour and I went on to pick up my students, O and N. O has autism whereas N suffered from developmental disability due to brain injury. He was born typically developing but was caught in a car accident that caused him to have severe brain injury which led him to present some symptoms similar to those with autism. I felt that that was quite a misfortune.

Anyway, O was engaging in a lot of motor stereotypy and N was so excited to see that and he kept calling O's name and wanting to be social with O the whole hour. He gave O high 5s and O responded. At one time he called O's name and they both smiled at each other and nuzzled each other. I thought that was really interesting that they connected on a level that I did not quite understand. I wonder if it was the stereotypy? or something else that I missed out.

On a different note, today has been a fairly good day. I woke up feeling a bit distraught. It was not a good feeling to wake up with. However my mind eased a little as time goes by thanks to the articles and videos available in the spirit section on Oprah's website. It's good to be reminded that my worries are normal and that they are greater things to be grateful for and look forward to. Work went well today too.

I also met with my practicum adviser today and we went over some of the questions I have about teaching. Before we ended our meeting, I asked her how does she and the other staff overcome the feeling of being so rote/mechanical in this work setting and build sincere humanistic rapport with the students in this overly structured environment? I told her I felt like I am working in a factory and told her that people criticized this program for it's "coldness" even though it is proven to be effective. She acknowledged my feelings and said that things will get better with time. After I am comfortable with the technical skills, I will let loose and start to have better rapport with the students. TIME....TIME....TIME.....

Give some space

A 12-hour shift right after vacation...it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My prayers were answered. I'm grateful!

I kept reminding myself to breathe and be as human as possible and it worked. When a student of mine acted up out of frustration, I paused and gave him some space before I reentered his space and asked him to explain to me what he wanted. As I mindfully gave him space, I felt a rush of calmness in my body. Giving him space also gave me space which prevented me from getting frustrated like before.

On another note, I was tired most of the time and could not wait for my shift to end. It made me wonder how anyone could love doing what they do if it means being tired and stressed from doing them? Do people always return to their purpose? Is that all it takes to drive them through? or are they just more focused on the good sides of things and the stress does not matter? or are they used to the stress and they have accepted things as they are?

Life...

Diagnosis: Always-choosing-the-hard-option-mania

Always-choosing-the-hard-option-mania was the diagnosis my friend gave me for my condition as I shared with her my troubles, blessings, and life stories to date. Apparently, I have a tendency to choose the road less taken in almost all of my life's aspects. Should I be concerned? Maybe.

Presenting symptom: After high school when I chose to do psychology vs. some other fields with greater job prospects all over the world.

Other subsequent symptoms: choosing to come to USA vs. Aus, NZ, or Spore (countries closer to home with more M'sian support), attracted to guys with characters and in professions that are harder to be in a relationship with (not gonna describe) vs. regular guys with more relaxed workload, chose an off-mainstream psychology field for graduate school, chose to do a high-stress clinical training vs. just staying in Minnesota where everything and everyone were good to me and allowed me to do whatever I want, probably not going to settle for regular marriage life with own kids (maybe not gonna have kids or choose to adopt).

Positive outcomes: Increased confidence and independence, increased resourcefulness, greater cultural exposure, a lot of adventures and stories to tell others, a lot of places around the world visited and will visit...

Setbacks: constantly facing uncertainties, worrisome to parents, no set friends whom I can physically go to all the time, a lot of money involved, lack comfort and security.

Prescribed treatment: None.

Yikes....

Praying for a smooth return

My mind has been very flustered lately. Well, actually since I started working but more so the past week. So much uncertainty. It is a blessing that I can still find glimpses of peace and tranquility in my mind a few seconds at a time throughout the day.

For the past week I have been on vacation but I spent most of the time struggling with the dilemma of whether to stay at my workplace for the entire 3-year MS program or transfer to a PhD program next year staying in the same field or to switch field completely e.g. to I/O psychology. After a week of thinking and talking to people, I finally made up my mind to stay and go through with the three years. Despite the excessively structured environment and high stress, I will get the best training to be a teacher, behaviorist, and a clinician. My challenge, to remember to be as present and human as possible to the students and other teachers. Tomorrow, I start work and I can't help feeling nervous about going back to work. I worry that I might forget the students' guidelines, I am not looking forward to going back to the stress, and I am afraid I will not be good in general. So many doubtful and irrational thoughts swam in my head for the past 2 hours. Yikes...

I pray for peace of mind.
I pray for the strength to love and exude joy to the students that I am working with and the teachers too.
I pray for mindfulness of my actions and the sharp awareness of my surroundings.
I pray for the wisdom and intuition to make the appropriate decisions both at work and in life.
I pray for the openness to look at the glass as half full at all times.
I pray for the well-being of the students and the other teachers as well as my own.
I pray for a smooth transition back to work tomorrow and the best of my performance.

A Motorcycle Ride with Guevara and Granado

A couple of days ago, I watched a Spanish movie that my friend recommended called Motorcycle Diaries (Diarios de motocicleta), which depicts the 7-month journey of two men around South America on a battered motorcycle in 1952. This movie is based on the travel journals of Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, one of the greatest iconic leader in the Cuban revolution. I thought it was a great movie that shows how one's travels and observations from the travels can change one's life drastically forever! Guevara and his buddy Alberto Granado were merely looking for fun and adventure through the trip but what they saw changed their lives forever. Guevara was humbled by the less fortunate people he met along the journey and was shocked to learn about the indigenous peasantry, the segregation of the sick from the healthy in Peru, and the endemic poverty all over the continent. Through his observations, he came to the understanding that the economic and social disparities in the continent is due to imperialism in the past and capitalism and that revolution is the only way to change things.

I found the movie really thought-provoking. First, it brought up the question of the best way to make changes and better the world. Bloody revolution vs. passive resistance? Next it made me think about what I can do for this world? To what extend am I willing to give and contribute to the betterment of this planet or my own country for that matter? Guevara gave up his comfortable life to fight for a better future for South America.

Questions aside, this movie only added fuel to my burning desire to travel to South America. Machu Picchu!! I thought about my own life - the possibilities of me ever doing something like that? Something crazy...you just don't know what's gonna happen next and I wonder if I were to do something of that sort, who is going to be my co-pilot? I feel like life is not complete without doing something crazy.

Sense of Adventure

Today went by rather quickly. I woke up, ate, went for a walk, went online and before I knew it, my day is over.

When my dad came back from work, he asked me to grab a ladder from my cousin who lives a couple of houses up the street. I was wondering what he was gonna do with it. I later found out that he wanted to climb onto the roof and reconnect the phone wires on his own. He didn't use the ladder but climbed out from my bedroom's window instead.

It was pretty nerve-wrecking to watch him risk his life. I didn't dare to say much when he was out on the roof in case I might break his concentration. I was there to watch and provide assistance when necessary.

So many things passed my mind including plans to save myself in case I fall (I was imagining myself being the one on the roof) but the most notable and attention-worthy though is the thought about courage and daring, doing something risky in life. Thoughts of how people get yelled at all the time here for attempting to do something risky (they are labeled stupid) passed my mind; I thought of how most of us are conditioned not to do daring things, I thought of how I was constantly struggling to dare myself to do things and break off from my past conditioning (that little sense of adventure in me), I thought of the little naughty but brave kids in the village who just run around and get into trouble at the end of the day, and I thought of how important it is to just trust your guts and the body and not so much the mind, then I reflected on my driving skills - my dad told me not to think and worry too much and let my subconscious mind do the driving (but don't I need practice before I can do that?).

Coincidentally, when I checked my mail just now, the topic in Oprah's email newsletter was on having a sense of adventure and breaking free from the rut. I thought the last paragraph of the article pretty much sums everything up.

"Being adventurous, it turns out, is a little like being a good dancer: Most of us think we aren't, and the more we're convinced of this, the less hope we have of loosening up and getting better. But if we would open up a little—look at what we might do instead of what we're certain we can't—we'd discover something: "Hahn wrote that every human being has within himself a grand passion," says James. And that passion—that's where a sense of adventure really takes you. "

I guess what I gained today from my free contemplation was the understanding that there is most of us have a strong sense of adventure that have been weakened over the years by societal upbringing. Nevertheless, I am thankful for my pluck to do things even though I am afraid of them. I am grateful for my sense of adventure. I pray that others will find that sense of adventure in themselves and harness them to the fullest.